It seems to have taken forever to start this blog. But in this case forever doesn’t feel like time. It feels like a search that would take me further and further away, when all I needed to do was to stop in order to be found. I’m realizing that in order to take a first step, I have to let it take me.
Hello! My name is Melanie, I‘m 33 years young, born, raised and currently still living in Germany, and I have started a journey to a more heart-fulfilling version of my life. I’m in a process of shifting from ‘going my hardest’ to ‘going my heartest’. The reason for this is that the hardest simply doesn’t work for me anymore. It doesn’t feel good or makes me truly happy. And most of all it keeps me from a sort of homecoming in this very life, a direction that will lead me to my purpose and living my potential. I believe this for several reasons but most important of all is that I just know.
Part my journey has always been a longing to express myself. Alongside with my visual artwork I‘ve always been writing and felt that by phrasing something I was able to be in a very personal space, where I’m picking up my feelings very intuitive and direct, as I was not able to hide behind a technique. Looking back today, I believe this practise has kept me in touch with an inner compass, an inner wisdom that would very often have a different opinion than my environment and its reproducing knowledge and believe. During the last couple of years I have started to embrace, trust and make peace with my inner nos and yeses more often, and I can tell that it is leading me to less acting and more acting out this inner wisdom. It’s weird in the beginning, as it is sometimes having a disturbing effect on the very well established outside idea of harmony- but the uplifting effect this is having on the inner harmony has started to feel too great and right for me. Fortunately this is making it harder to continue to be in denial. The funny thing about my experiences with insights is that they seem new when they are actually not. Insights to me are moments when I feel remembered of something that I already knew. Now this is not a mind-happening. It feels much more substantial. It’s like connecting with a natural heritage, engaging with the wisdom of the whole universe. The only thing that’s new is the discovery of yet another veil. Only through lifting it, I’m able to realise that it’s been sitting in front of my eyes. Just yesterday I came across this note that I must have put down in 2005 when I was 22. It says “I’m sick of having to be strong; I wonder when it’s my time to be weak and feel security.” This truly excites me, as this is a documentation of my younger self, feeling that being strong is working against her heart’s desire. And it speaks of a longing to finally stop fearing the only way to connect with her inner truth by surrender to it. This could have only been an inner voice that speaks behind the thinker and comes from the place where there is everything I need to know. But I grew up with the believe that knowledge is only something that is handed down. Today I know that this is not the only truth but the more actively I was sharing wrong believes, the more actively it was disconnected me with my inner wisdom. I was in a constant state of in between what seemed right and would feel right to me, and I could barely tell the difference. Today I’m actively making the decision to move closer to myself again, to rely on myself rather than fulfilling expectations. And although it’s different from where I have moved before, I’m still moving towards a place that I know and where I’m really finding everything I need. I’m connecting, coming home. This is where I feel true security and where I feel that I’m actually doing and saying what I really mean.
As a side effect, a rising urge has emerged to write and share my thoughts, insights and experiences. I can feel I’m inside a shift, which will change how I perceive life and that it is life itself. I’m surrendering, so the idea to wait and see what happens, look back on it later in order to be smart about it is impossible. If I have everything I need with me, then everything I need to know will reveal in the moment I need it and am ready for it. I believe this is what intuition is all about. All I have to do is practise the connection and allow the flow. So part of jumping in and letting myself be lived by it means starting this blog today. I’m sharing live and direct by simply phrasing what I’m observing. I feel the security I was talking about as I’m putting myself out here, but it is almost shocking how unusual it is actually feeling to really show myself. But the things I’m finding, seeing and feeling by doing so are simply too great to keep them to myself. And what is the idea of keeping something anyhow? I believe a real contribution to this world is to give and share the very best I have. I’m calling this ‘the heartest’ and I welcome you to my travel report.
Starting to approach life from a more spiritual perspective has started a few years ago. After my parents got divorced I grew up with my father ever since I was seven years old. He has always been in search of something and turned a lot towards the idea of a spiritual truth behind everything. He read a lot about how to manifest love, abundance and success in his life. These books never appealed to me. They seemed to be too promising for business ideas when I never really believed in the concept of business after all. My older brother started reading these books as well and as a result, I was rather exposed to masculine talk about greater ideas, wealth, being better and so on. One book has spoken to me though. It was Bernhard Moestl’s “Shaolin- win without battle”. Back then it sounded like a whole new concept to the truth that my environment and I was reproducing. After all these years I still remember this one metaphor the author used to make clear, that in order to stand strong in the end, we have to rather practise giving in instead of trying to stay strong. He mentioned how trees would bend when exposed to wind and that they would break if they would harden up. He mentioned that grass is one of the most successful plant species on earth- only because it is so flexible and won’t break when stepped on, but bend in order to pop back up. I still love that metaphor. It has helped me to accept and move around things I didn’t like rather than fighting them. This made my brain tickle, as it was messing with what I was actively believing at that time. So here it was: an inspiration that was changing my perspective. What a winning! Although I didn’t realise it back then, I have found that I can change and therefore was in charge of how I perceive the world. And this is not only still saying yes to me, but has activated my sensing devices to the idea that nature is a source for inspiration.
Then there was Dale Carnegie and his book ‘How to make friends and influence people’. I remember that he exposed me to an idea of common patterns of human reactions. He talked about how useless it is to be right, because people define themselves through their opinion and will fight for it since they feel threatened by a different one. Made sense to me as I was experiencing this behaviour around and on myself. And then ‘The secret’ by Rhonda Byrne came into my life. This to me seemed to be the first book that wouldn’t really use this spiritual knowledge to manipulate the outer world, but encouraged to stimulate the inner world first, in order to connect and manifest what you want for yourself. That was pretty exciting, as these books were supplying me with the possibility of being more aware about myself, and how I was reacting to my environment. As a result I began to rather understand a lot of things instead of feeling exposed to them. For a long time these books were enough for me. They seemed to speak about the same truth but used them for different approaches. So why reading more if the truth will be repeated? I thought it’s rather time to live by it instead of reading it! But first of all there is something about repetition. It reminds me as it is resonating with something that I’m not acting out yet. It is touching me as it is touching something that I’m not able to enduringly embrace yet. So after a few years I was exposed to Eckart Tolle’s ‘The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment’. This has honestly spinned me out! I could tell that the things he talked about were great and right and important, but I was not able to completely access it yet. But at least it has caught my attention and made me spin! And luckily I experienced that I don’t have to understand everything at once. Bits and pieces would be enough as they work like seeds. And second: This repetition was evoked by a group of people that have started to experience a shift in their perception and would share it through their books. And there is something about a collective that is spreading good news and energy. There is no use in keeping positive things to oneself, as it only gives too much room for negative and destructive stuff. I believe it’s got to get on the table, be exposed with the ability of being seen and inspire.
The man that would finally open the doors for me was Dr. Wayne Dyer. To me he was and will ever be my greatest inspiration. His teachings are having a lasting affect on my life by inspiring me to open my heart and eyes. It truly became a process ever since. I’m still opening up and instead of finding reasons to struggle, judge, complain or compare, I’m starting to see chances to learn and grow, truly and increasingly perceive with my heart and celebrate the wonders. From my experience I can truly say that I have started to live a more happy and peaceful life. But I can also truly say that spiritual awareness isn’t a state. It’s a process and something I have to actively choose and dedicate to every day and every moment. It is alive just like everything else and I am experiencing that the more I turn to it, the more it would offer me. It is endless. And it’s just so much fun!
I can’t always put it into practice as I’m wishing. My awareness differs. I say, do and think things that are not serving me or others, and I’m reacting unconsciously. I guess I simply obey to the same mechanism of learning like everybody else and therefore I’m making mistakes in order to learn how to learn. But knowing this enables me to increasingly accept it and quit judging myself or others, and learn to see the chances that lie within. After all I’m human, whatever that means. I believe the universe expresses itself through me as a human and I might be godlike, but I’m not god. I’m a piece and part of everything and believe this everything is god. I’m plural, not singular. I’m energy, just like everything else, but there is no use in being in denial of the features that come when this energy enters the vessel of a human body. I believe I can do more than I think but I can’t do and be everything. I can’t turn into a fish or a bird, I can’t defy gravity, and I can’t do everything right. And why would I want to after all? Why not falling in love with my place and my own species? To me it’s the only way to connect with myself and the source, grow, and make better use of my potential. I believe by this I can make better means of being a human and I feel like there is a great need for that.
Nowadays everyone seems to be talking about how things are going terribly wrong, how others fight each other, destroy the environment, how unable we are to love each other. And it’s real. But as I took an honest moment, I couldn’t help but realise, that blaming is the wrong value. How could I expect something to happen outside of myself if I can’t even practise is for myself? As Wayne Dyer has always said- ‘You can’t give away what you don’t have’. In other words- how can I expect more peace in this world, if I can’t practice to be at peace with myself? How can I expect more love in this world, if I can’t love myself? How can I expect more awareness for this planet, if I can’t practice inner awareness for myself? I believe this is what Mahatma Gandhi meant with ‚Be the change that you wish to see in the world.‘ Start with yourself by being it, becoming it. I’m finding out that the more I’m able to turn towards myself, to forgive and love myself, to be at peace with the things that happen and just let them be, the more I’m able to do the same for and with others. It’s so simple but yet so hard to do because I grew up in a world that fell for rational and material approaches and outside manifestations of the same kind. I think this has changed our perception because we only see what we focus on and we only believe what we see. So we’re in a constant hurry to stay focused and to manifest ourselves outside of ourselves. We only feel ourselves when the outer world reacts to us. We believe we are what we do, manifest, have and keep. A merely human approach that I’m not seeing being practised by any other living species.
But the good news is- it does work! We are already manifesting what we put our focus on, as this is an energetic signal that will match its kind. I’m experiencing that as I am correcting my focus on good stuff, fortune and joy I’m actually increasing my happiness and good vibration. And as a result I’m attracting more things in my life that are great. I even believe that we are not able to live an unfulfilled life. There is never anything that is empty or anything that is nothing. Space and life will fill itself by the ever-creating process. So if my life is filled with things I don’t want, it’s because I’m holding on to these things and pack the space. Holding on is an action, and action is an active donation of lifetime, an investment. I found out that in the spiritual equation investments always work, so whatever I invest my life and thoughts in, I will get more of. As I really let go of what I don’t want I’m making room. And then all I have to do is actively think and invite the good stuff and allow these things to come and manifest themselves.
This is how I finally started writing today. I tried to do so for a long time already and to think about the best way to start and fill the page. By this I have created a sort of battle of the best ideas in terms of: what would be the best content to start my blog? What could explain best what I’m wanting here by writing? This has evoked a loop of pros and cons, deliberations and so on. Everything the mind just loves and would keep it busy. So I was busy thinking about writing but eventually not busy writing. Last week I finally said stop! And I simply stopped. I quit doing what I was doing and allowed space. And I tell you it felt like stopping on a busy road with honking cars behind me, wanting me to keep driving. The force was all around and it still is- but it didn’t take long and the cars stopped honking and started driving around me. What I mean is, that as I was able to dare the force, it wouldn’t take long until I was rewarded with actual space and time. It was amazing because as I didn’t do anything but allowing the space and inviting inspiration, the words just came into my mind and I finally started writing. The blank page filled itself. All I’m doing is writing but not thinking about doing it. I stepped back and listened and the words that wanted to be expressed through me literally started pouring. As I’m sure you can tell by reading along, I came into a state from not knowing how to begin to not knowing where to begin!
I can’t explain it any other way but it is almost like I’m just a servant to all these things that want to share themselves. And after three days within a week of writing and taking notes straight, I’m sitting here with plenty of future entries that invite me to joyfully surrender, sit down and keep writing. This is inspiration as I have never experienced before and it is making me feel me so very alive!
I’m not sorry that I haven’t been doing this earlier. What has taken me here now was everything I have experienced so far. I can only be grateful for everyone and everything, as this have given me the chance to simply experience life and make me believe that I have something to give and share. Things and people haven’t always felt good but I’m finding out that the main reason for it was that I have been practicing a foreign knowledge on how to deal with them, instead of my inner wisdom. I have been judgemental a lot in my life, but I’m finding out that I don’t have a use for it anymore. That’s because I have realised that things just happen and people just do what they do and can. Wether this is good or bad is something only I create by labelling it as good or bad.
What has taken me so long to speak my truth was simply doubt. What a bugging habit and how much room I was allowing for it! A long time ago I believed that this is my biggest obstacle to overcome in this life. And it became what I believed. Although I’m writing here, my doubt is still there but I have simply accepted it and began to live in a co-existence with it. By this I have unlabeled it as an obstacle. As a result I have let go of the idea of overcoming it so much, that it has stopped keeping me from writing anyways. I quit caring about eliminating it and that is why it does not longer serve as an excuse to procrastinate what I want to do in my heart and soul. I’m thrilled that I can’t squeeze into a rational reason why I’m writing. All I can say is that I’m not writing from a “why not” but from a “why yes!”. It simply feels great, right and easy for me to do it. That to me is more than enough and I’m hoping I to do more and more things in my life from that place. This might be easier said than done but I found that the hardest thing for me was to accept that it actually is easy. It has only felt unnatural for me because there has never been the loving hand that had lead me into my very basic trust to grow up with my nature. And it has a dye of tragic because I believe it’s the most important compass to live a truly successful and happy life. But no one is to blame. Again everyone is just doing what they can. So my first practice is to literally forgive and free myself of any expectations that would just keep me waiting and keeping me from growing and becoming. So I might have missed out on this hand and guidance but I can now make better use of my energy and turn my own hands into guiding ones and go my personal heartest.